Category: #insomniacblueishlife

Emptiness

“We become aware of the void as we fill it.” _Antonio Porchia

Feeling so empty inside? This feeling is worse than physical pain because at this moment you have lost your true self, you are neither sad or happy just empty.

However, depending on how you choose to carry yourself as you walk through the feeling, emptiness can turn out really great because it is a reservoir of endless opportunities. Believe me you don’t need to immerse yourself into activities that will take away the feeling because you actually need it so just walk through it, but this time be aware of the human shaped emptiness filling your brain and body.

An empty mind could be lucky if a good idea comes to enter inside unlike a full mind receiving a good idea. All I’m saying is, feeling empty sometimes is good especially after moments of suffering, big decisions or letting go of major parts of us because it enables us to tap into our truest depths and have new beginnings.

I hope you daintily walk through your emptiness.

Cheers.

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Awwn..

Do I still know how to type? I hope I have been very busy on serious things that obviously couldn’t be about me because that wasn’t a break, seemed a holiday.

Such a beautiful day it is. Referring to both yesterday and today and if tommorow wishes to join still so welcome. I love this kind of days where I get to feel important, loved, cared for and motivated to do better and do good simultaneously. Yeah!

I received a message from a Courier that I have a parcel to collect today while at work. I wasn’t expecting any parcel so I got curious and rushed to collect it after work. Damn!! it’s from Some strange name. I’m so anxious at this time so I tear the gift box. There’s some lipstick, face cream and a sweater. I hardly receive gifts via couriers but I start to imagine among my inner circle who could be working this extra hard using a strange name and non-existent contact details because I called the phone number and it was out of service. To my not a surprise sure it wasn’t none of them.

I couldnt help it but express how good this feels to me. So there is this page that I follow on LinkedIn in Called ‘The Female lead” which basically is an educational charity platform that makes women stories more visible to inspire ambition and confidence to other women.

I commented on a particular post (pulled it down today) and some lady(Mrs Y) started a chat right on my comment. The conversation kept going till she decided to DM me (sounds funny right?) and months later she was still on my case. It felt odd to me and decided not to snob her just to see what comes up because she was all about the cost of not believing in yourself and that somehow is so relatable to me. At that point it didn’t even hit me we were doing something common and I never bothered to check her profile.

Apparently she is a Norwegian who happened to be among the support team to my previous role at the company I worked for. I don’t know how this happened, we exchanged a couple of messages (still with doubts) and we started communicating like friends just checking on each other once in a while ( From where I come from we don’t trust strangers. Worse, people we meet online).

Few hours later a former colleague calls and asks if I received the parcel. Long story short, Mrs Y happened to be around my City last week and left me the gift through him. Strange enough we have never exchanged mobile numbers and she thought I was still at the Company because I’m those people who don’t update their work experience cause apparently I’m still at the previous job according to my profile (not funny).

I don’t know what the right expression should be but this is crazy and so sweet at the same time I wish I could meet her in person cause she is out of the normal and I can’t think of anything good she liked about me that made her think of gifting me. I’m so humbled and still in disbelief (don’t judge me I’m not used to this) by her gesture. I’m moved to start randomly putting smiles on peoples faces even those that I don’t Know by doing some little acts of love, kindness and appreciation.

I always treasure gifts especially those that I’m gifted for no specific reason, they sweep me off my feet. I would be looking at them everyday and feel the same excitement and love that I felt the very day I was gifted.

How do I end the post huh! Thank you so much Mrs Y I don’t know why we even got to know each other but I can only hope I do such a beautiful thing to someone if not to you.

Awwwwwn!!!

Miss curiosity

GRIEF

I choose to define grief as a love that never leaves.

When God thought of a mother

By Henry Ward Beecher

When God thought of mother,

He must have laughed with satisfaction,

and framed it quickly-

so rich, so deep, so divine,

so full of soul, power and beauty,

was the conception.

I LOST MY MOTHER, I’m in pain.

These are words I have struggled a lot to let out of my mouth each time I’m forced to explain by situations. It’s been a couple months since I last heard from her and the feeling has never been less painful. The thought of it drives me crazy and I can’t hold my tears whenever I’m alone and I’m filled with the memories. I lost my loved mother due to cardiomyopathy and I don’t know how to recover. You’ve probably read about the five stages of grieving if you have lost a loved one or something you held close to your heart, and painfully, I sometimes want to wish I’m at the acceptance stage but no I’m more likely at the depression stage because the only times I have accepted she is gone for good is when I visit home and she is not the one saying the evening prayer or dad alone happens to be the one seeing me off.

I have never known a life without a mother. I wish I even took time with those whose mothers had departed earlier to have an image of what it felt like, because I have had the most fear, loneliness, panic, pain, anxiety and feelings of emptiness since that fateful day. I have gone back and forth about her last day and hours but I’m always not ready to recount the events as they occurred. The screaming from my sisters who conveyed the message to me, as I was very unlucky to be present in her last hours is still haunting me to date. I’ve had nightmares and sleeplessness from those very broken voices but I can only hope that at some point I’ll feel different about it.

My life was completely shuttered for a while. I wanted to curse someone or hold the God she believed in accountable for causing us all pain and more especially her. I got a clear visual meaning of life is vanity and not worth a lot of the effort and struggles we push ourselves to go through only to die. It hurts more that it happened so fast that even before the doctors figured out how to help she had already had her last breath. I want to describe my mother as a bouquet of the most colorful, strong and perfectly scented flowers that brought joy, peace, calm and healing anytime of the day you had a glance at them. Unfortunately, they dried up in the sun within very few hours and it’s been gloomy, dark, restless and unbearable around this vase. She was a floral bouquet I will always try to remake even though it wont turn out the same. I will always have her last photos and videos replaying in my mind all the time even though I have not still gathered the courage to view them physically. I will always cherish every single moment we shared because that is the most beautiful part of my life.

I would do a book if I was to talk about Francisca (we sometimes called her by her name just to play around with her) but in a nutshell Mama played a very big role in the society as an educator and a great humanitarian. Her acts of service will live in many peoples hearts and that brings me joy knowing she served her purpose. I believe there is no lapse of time or formula for grieving so I’m taking a day at a time and taking care of myself mentally hoping to be somewhere safe in future.

I wouldn’t end this blog without appreciating the presence of friends and kind hearted people in my life. I don’t take any one of them for granted and I’m forever indebted and will always be available for anyone who needs me as long as I can. Wholeheartedly, I appreciate all the encouraging messages and comforting calls you made, the visits and any other forms of love and support I received. This calls for acceptance and working on healing and living with the bitter truth healthily even if I never move on.

Cheers,

If you need to hear something nice, here it is; you are doing absolutely great hold on, you are just right about there.

Miss Curiosity

et

I’M BACK

It’s been a year since I last posted something here. I was on this roller-coaster called life, I was confused and at the verge of losing myself which called for a decision to pause writing and quit social media for a while. I’ve had my fair share and now I’m ready to accept, change or move on. I’m grateful to the universe for showing me all the pages although the flipping speed is too high, I have treasures I managed to pick and save for me.

Thank you to everyone who checked in on me the entire time. I’m back much better, more wise and determined. Can’t wait to read all your posts.

Cheers,

If you need to hear something nice, here it is; you are doing absolutely great hold on, you are just right about there.

Miss Curiosity

Sleep is such a luxury -an insomniac explains

“The creak of bed springs suffering under the weight of a restless man is as lonely a sound as I know.”
― Patrick deWitt,

You all go to bed when it’s time to sleep and fall asleep. Easy right? what a fictional love story that would make for someone who has forgotten how to sleep.

My mind works the night shifts and I just came to terms that the monsters live in my head and not under my bed or in my house. After turning, tossing and flopping for over a year I created a pattern that I’m always trying to break unsuccessfully.

I’d have better blogged this from the professional point of view if only I had tried it but I’m yet to accept that I can’t discuss with my mind and agree about sleeping. It’s the same reason I stopped taking my pills. I am insomniac that’s for sure and I’d like to enjoy your company tonight as we walk through my night.

There is nostalgia at around 10:00 pm because I’m normally so tired from the day’s activities and the thought of tomorrow’s is also clicking in so I really wish I was 11 so I could just put off the lights and the next thing I’ll see is the morning sun rays.

10:30 pm. Yes there is hope and chance clearly because my eyelids are so heavy I’m just missing someone to hold onto maybe. So I walk to bed, set an alarm, get under the sheets, take a deep breathe, close my eyes and sleep? No, I start my night shift.

11:00 pm. I turn, cover myself properly again and assume I’m falling asleep.

I can clearly hear people talking and vehicles moving outside of the apartment where I live at 11:15 Pm so I’m still up. I open my eyes to see how much darkness is in my room or if I should consider buying thicker curtains because the light in here could be the reason I’m awake.

11:45 pm. I start meditating. They said it is important to meditate before falling asleep. I somehow love this part because hey! after my normal and real life events and situations, I visit countries, beautiful places with the most interesting sceneries, I start successful projects and businesses and sometimes I lose it all, I become this influential beautiful lady in the world. I haven’t witnessed this big beautiful wedding before, I mean, I was such a princess and I married this one mysterious guy who got everyone talking about us. I also walk through a forest full of dinosaurs, chimpanzees, warthogs and snakes which has no end. I get lost into a desert full of sand dunes that I cant open my eyes so I keep walking for thousands of miles and the next event is that I’m drowning and there is no one to help me. ‘What the hell is this’? I yell at my mind and oh! my eyes have been open clearly that wasn’t dreaming. I have just wasted over an hour thinking I can’t explain what.

1:00 pm It is, seems I’m not going to sleep tonight again. I get hold of my phone, go through my social apps and it is always disappointing because I’m always updated there is nothing new. Professionals warn us against using mobile phones an hour before bed maybe that’s why I don’t sleep because I can only not use it once I’m in bed and worse I have just used it at midnight. ‘I will rectify this’ says the frustrated me as I scroll the phone and open my samsung health app; mindfulness and play a sleep story.

1:15 pm I’m not even following I lost concentration immediately Tamara Levitt ( favourite calm stories narrator) said ‘take a deep breathe, relax and feel your bed’. I’m now fighting to sleep I’m not in the mood to soothe my bed because If I fail at this trick that I’m thinking, all is lost. I’m about 4 hours away from the time I wake up.

2:00 pm. Loneliness clicks in, the bed is now cold and I’m also hungry I haven’t eaten since yesterday you know. I tiptoe and grab a snack or warm tea so I dont freeze and fail to sleep (There is some little hope left in me).

2:45 pm. At this point my bones are aching I feel a little headache and I can possibly feel the shape of my skeleton.I am in deep trouble but to avoid thinking I grab a book. Oh! I love reading but definitely not at this hour. The usual questions follow; why me? why most days? what did I do to deserve this? I thought sleep is a reflex and needs to happen effortlessly so why am I working for it? Anyway I read 3 pages and it’s actually interesting before I start overthinking like why does ‘a fat chance’ and a ‘slim chance’ mean the same thing. Why would Russians say “It isn’t sleeping to me instead of “I can’t sleep”? I obviously don’t have the answers.

3:35 pm. I check the time and just close my eyes to rest as I wait for my alarm because it’s sure going off in two hours and a few minutes to come. I’m in terms with the fact that this was just another night like the many gone nights and I’m ready to write it off,

5:58 pm. Two minutes before my alarm goes off I’m up and I cant remember what happened since the last time I checked time and hope I was asleep then. That’s kind of satisfying and I can face my day hoping for a better night next time.

Whether sleep onset insomnia or sleep maintenance insomnia, insomnia is a special kind of torture which you can only hope that the vicious circle is cut some someday.

Thanks for stopping by

INSOMNIACBLUEISHLIFE it is.

Breathe

What do people get by the words “we are all equal”? I’m looking at people my age who have accomplished things that my Parents haven’t in their old age. I’m also looking at people in their half lifes who haven’t accomplished a thing in their lives. What brings this whole difference is probably the mystery of life and I’m not about to answer cause I absolutely got no answer too.

I dont so much believe in hardwork (sorry) but I’m sure if we all worked hard equally we still wouldnt be equal so can you take a deep breathe and just do your best. There is a lot of pressure in becoming successful (measured by your own understanding) especially among the millenials and we forget to actually be sure of what we want to succeed in or how to go about it. I’m saying it again we all cannot be equal but maybe we can have equal chances at different times, get it right.

I’m skipping this thing called fate cause it scares me sometimes but I know a thing about it, You cant avoid it.

There are a lot of factors that define us, we are all different and it is measurable. I mean, have you ever been with friends your age who spend money like drug dealers? Appetizers, bottomless mimosas, adding guacamole and everything and then also spent time with friends who stay hungry for over 24 hours to afford one meal the next day? Breathe, darling that’s them find a purpose and an interesting one, own it, value it, enjoy it and keep making it better for you. That, will define you.

Yours,

Miss Curiosity