GRIEF

I choose to define grief as a love that never leaves.

When God thought of a mother

By Henry Ward Beecher

When God thought of mother,

He must have laughed with satisfaction,

and framed it quickly-

so rich, so deep, so divine,

so full of soul, power and beauty,

was the conception.

I LOST MY MOTHER, I’m in pain.

These are words I have struggled a lot to let out of my mouth each time I’m forced to explain by situations. It’s been a couple months since I last heard from her and the feeling has never been less painful. The thought of it drives me crazy and I can’t hold my tears whenever I’m alone and I’m filled with the memories. I lost my loved mother due to cardiomyopathy and I don’t know how to recover. You’ve probably read about the five stages of grieving if you have lost a loved one or something you held close to your heart, and painfully, I sometimes want to wish I’m at the acceptance stage but no I’m more likely at the depression stage because the only times I have accepted she is gone for good is when I visit home and she is not the one saying the evening prayer or dad alone happens to be the one seeing me off.

I have never known a life without a mother. I wish I even took time with those whose mothers had departed earlier to have an image of what it felt like, because I have had the most fear, loneliness, panic, pain, anxiety and feelings of emptiness since that fateful day. I have gone back and forth about her last day and hours but I’m always not ready to recount the events as they occurred. The screaming from my sisters who conveyed the message to me, as I was very unlucky to be present in her last hours is still haunting me to date. I’ve had nightmares and sleeplessness from those very broken voices but I can only hope that at some point I’ll feel different about it.

My life was completely shuttered for a while. I wanted to curse someone or hold the God she believed in accountable for causing us all pain and more especially her. I got a clear visual meaning of life is vanity and not worth a lot of the effort and struggles we push ourselves to go through only to die. It hurts more that it happened so fast that even before the doctors figured out how to help she had already had her last breath. I want to describe my mother as a bouquet of the most colorful, strong and perfectly scented flowers that brought joy, peace, calm and healing anytime of the day you had a glance at them. Unfortunately, they dried up in the sun within very few hours and it’s been gloomy, dark, restless and unbearable around this vase. She was a floral bouquet I will always try to remake even though it wont turn out the same. I will always have her last photos and videos replaying in my mind all the time even though I have not still gathered the courage to view them physically. I will always cherish every single moment we shared because that is the most beautiful part of my life.

I would do a book if I was to talk about Francisca (we sometimes called her by her name just to play around with her) but in a nutshell Mama played a very big role in the society as an educator and a great humanitarian. Her acts of service will live in many peoples hearts and that brings me joy knowing she served her purpose. I believe there is no lapse of time or formula for grieving so I’m taking a day at a time and taking care of myself mentally hoping to be somewhere safe in future.

I wouldn’t end this blog without appreciating the presence of friends and kind hearted people in my life. I don’t take any one of them for granted and I’m forever indebted and will always be available for anyone who needs me as long as I can. Wholeheartedly, I appreciate all the encouraging messages and comforting calls you made, the visits and any other forms of love and support I received. This calls for acceptance and working on healing and living with the bitter truth healthily even if I never move on.

Cheers,

If you need to hear something nice, here it is; you are doing absolutely great hold on, you are just right about there.

Miss Curiosity

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