“The creak of bed springs suffering under the weight of a restless man is as lonely a sound as I know.”
― Patrick deWitt,
You all go to bed when it’s time to sleep and fall asleep. Easy right? what a fictional love story that would make for someone who has forgotten how to sleep.
My mind works the night shifts and I just came to terms that the monsters live in my head and not under my bed or in my house. After turning, tossing and flopping for over a year I created a pattern that I’m always trying to break unsuccessfully.
I’d have better blogged this from the professional point of view if only I had tried it but I’m yet to accept that I can’t discuss with my mind and agree about sleeping. It’s the same reason I stopped taking my pills. I am insomniac that’s for sure and I’d like to enjoy your company tonight as we walk through my night.
There is nostalgia at around 10:00 pm because I’m normally so tired from the day’s activities and the thought of tomorrow’s is also clicking in so I really wish I was 11 so I could just put off the lights and the next thing I’ll see is the morning sun rays.
10:30 pm. Yes there is hope and chance clearly because my eyelids are so heavy I’m just missing someone to hold onto maybe. So I walk to bed, set an alarm, get under the sheets, take a deep breathe, close my eyes and sleep? No, I start my night shift.
11:00 pm. I turn, cover myself properly again and assume I’m falling asleep.
I can clearly hear people talking and vehicles moving outside of the apartment where I live at 11:15 Pm so I’m still up. I open my eyes to see how much darkness is in my room or if I should consider buying thicker curtains because the light in here could be the reason I’m awake.
11:45 pm. I start meditating. They said it is important to meditate before falling asleep. I somehow love this part because hey! after my normal and real life events and situations, I visit countries, beautiful places with the most interesting sceneries, I start successful projects and businesses and sometimes I lose it all, I become this influential beautiful lady in the world. I haven’t witnessed this big beautiful wedding before, I mean, I was such a princess and I married this one mysterious guy who got everyone talking about us. I also walk through a forest full of dinosaurs, chimpanzees, warthogs and snakes which has no end. I get lost into a desert full of sand dunes that I cant open my eyes so I keep walking for thousands of miles and the next event is that I’m drowning and there is no one to help me. ‘What the hell is this’? I yell at my mind and oh! my eyes have been open clearly that wasn’t dreaming. I have just wasted over an hour thinking I can’t explain what.
1:00 pm It is, seems I’m not going to sleep tonight again. I get hold of my phone, go through my social apps and it is always disappointing because I’m always updated there is nothing new. Professionals warn us against using mobile phones an hour before bed maybe that’s why I don’t sleep because I can only not use it once I’m in bed and worse I have just used it at midnight. ‘I will rectify this’ says the frustrated me as I scroll the phone and open my samsung health app; mindfulness and play a sleep story.
1:15 pm I’m not even following I lost concentration immediately Tamara Levitt ( favourite calm stories narrator) said ‘take a deep breathe, relax and feel your bed’. I’m now fighting to sleep I’m not in the mood to soothe my bed because If I fail at this trick that I’m thinking, all is lost. I’m about 4 hours away from the time I wake up.
2:00 pm. Loneliness clicks in, the bed is now cold and I’m also hungry I haven’t eaten since yesterday you know. I tiptoe and grab a snack or warm tea so I dont freeze and fail to sleep (There is some little hope left in me).
2:45 pm. At this point my bones are aching I feel a little headache and I can possibly feel the shape of my skeleton.I am in deep trouble but to avoid thinking I grab a book. Oh! I love reading but definitely not at this hour. The usual questions follow; why me? why most days? what did I do to deserve this? I thought sleep is a reflex and needs to happen effortlessly so why am I working for it? Anyway I read 3 pages and it’s actually interesting before I start overthinking like why does ‘a fat chance’ and a ‘slim chance’ mean the same thing. Why would Russians say “It isn’t sleeping to me instead of “I can’t sleep”? I obviously don’t have the answers.
3:35 pm. I check the time and just close my eyes to rest as I wait for my alarm because it’s sure going off in two hours and a few minutes to come. I’m in terms with the fact that this was just another night like the many gone nights and I’m ready to write it off,
5:58 pm. Two minutes before my alarm goes off I’m up and I cant remember what happened since the last time I checked time and hope I was asleep then. That’s kind of satisfying and I can face my day hoping for a better night next time.
Whether sleep onset insomnia or sleep maintenance insomnia, insomnia is a special kind of torture which you can only hope that the vicious circle is cut some someday.
Thanks for stopping by
INSOMNIACBLUEISHLIFE it is.